Who doesn't love hacking into a fortress-like crustacean, wiping pounds of buttered detritus from your lap and paying extravagantly for the experience?

You're bound to face a lobster dinner at some point in your life, so you'd best be prepared. You may not be able to prevent the impending mess, but a plan of attack can make the battle worth your while.

Lose the limbs

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Before doing anything else, be sure to securely tie a lobster bib around your neck.You are not truly eating lobster unless you're wearing a humiliating bib.

Then begin the massacre by clawing at ... well, the claws. Pull off the claw arms by twisting them where they join the torso; set aside.

Do the same with the tail, except instead of twisting, just snap it where it meets the body. Then crack off the flipper things at the end.

Meat in the middle

Knowing that the lobster would one day be prized for its succulent meat, evolution fortified its meaty claws with the strongest armor known to man.

Most places will supply a nutcracker of some variety to help you break through a lobster's heavy shell, but a heavy knife or small hammer will also do the trick. For those of you stranded by some rural riverbank in Maine, just bang the lobster claw with a rock.

Once you've gotten inside, dig into the luscious loot.

When you're ready for the tail, grab a fork or some other thin object and slide it into the smaller end of the tail, pushing the meat out the other end. Look for a black vein amid the newly exposed grub. That's the lobster's digestive tract. That's not for eatin'.

Tackle the torso

Having had your way with the extremities, dive back into the torso and finish this puppy off.

You should be able to just pop the body shell off the aquatic beast, and reveal a bit more meat at the point where the small legs join the body.

You'll also reveal a green blob, which is the tomalley — the lobster's liver. Unless you want to use it in a sauce or to antagonize a relative, just toss it.

Having emptied the body cavities, finish off with the small legs. Though there's not much meat inside of them, you may find enough to finish the meal off well.

Finally, break apart the claw arms and squeeze the last bits of meat out with your teeth. After you've done that, the lobster's meat supply will be completely exhausted. Celebrate your effort by sitting back, patting your stomach and admiring the carnage. Then get that damn bib off before anyone sees you.