To the better end
My girlfriends and I spend so much effort trying to find the right man to settle down with, yet marriage seems such a bleak prospect. My grandparents are still married (not happily, I might add), but my parents aren't. And now, I have friends who aren't even 30 and are already divorced. I have had long relationships, but they've always ended. Three years, five years … it seems that's the best I can do. It's humiliating to think that I might be alone forever. Is there any hope for “till death do us part” in this day and age?
— Single Filed
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“Till death do us part” works best when one spouse dies long before the other nags him to take out the garbage for the 35,000th time.
Just look at Romeo and Juliet. Imagine if, instead of offing themselves, they had an epic wedding and moved into the Elizabethan equivalent of a three-bedroom house in the suburbs. How long would it be until mythic romance gave way to Juliet slaving over a hot caldron all day and Romeo staggering home from the tavern at midnight — to find all his codpieces scattered across the lawn?
No, not all relationships play out this way. But for those that do, maybe we're a little rigid about what death, supposedly the only legitimate relationship exit strategy, should entail. For example, does your head really have to fall off, or does your liver have to be hanging out? What if you're just dying of boredom or sick to death of being with somebody you've outgrown?
How weird that we celebrate when couples like your grandparents spend 50 miserable years together. “Relationships are hard work!” the taskmasters of Forever sternly intone, as if you're somehow a better person for sticking it out in the marital rock quarry to the acrimonious end.
Yes, yes ... but what about the children? Well, if you eventually have children, about the dumbest thing you can do is convince them that they're part of some indestructible mommy-and-daddy-sphere. I know, everyone thinks divorce only happens to other families. But, in case it happens to yours, wouldn't you be better off committing to each kid one-on-one: mommy to moppet, daddy to moppet?
While hopeless romantics are usually the first ones in line at divorce court, realistic romantics might have a chance. That's because they're more likely to be honest about the ugly realities of being human; namely, being loud, messy, demanding and prone to the emission of biohazards. In other words, maybe the best way to stay close is to live next door or across the street.
What's with this idea that your life isn't complete if you're unable to get somebody to attach to you like a vacuum hose in perpetuity? What's wrong with a relationship that lasts five years, five months or five great days? Hmm, maybe, just maybe, you aren't the scourge of humanity if you don't partner up for a lifetime. Or partner up at all. Of course, if you're under-selved and desperate for somebody to “complete” you, well, then you'd better break rocks and call it love. Unfortunately, if you're nothing without a relationship, it's unlikely that you're going to be much of anything with one.
Disjoined at the hip
I am currently living with my ex-boyfriend, who still wants to be with me. Our lease is almost up. I've told him that I don't feel the same way anymore, but he keeps trying to get me back. How can I get through to him?
— He Won't Take No For An Answer
When you leave somebody, you're actually supposed to leave, not roll over and make him coffee. In other words, you might be telling him no, but by sticking around, you're showing him maybe. Leave him the den of lost love, formerly known as your collective apartment, and crash on a friend's couch in exchange for a little light cleaning. In the future, you might think twice before giving candy to a baby in a jar with a childproof cap.
